KITCHEN VS WILDERNESS

(Originally posted January 26, 2010)

There is a scene in the movie UP when the small mail man needs to poop. In this scene the boy asks the old man when he's supposed to dig the whole to bury his junk. I asked my wife "What's the point of burying it? Animals don't bury their junk. So, what's with all the nature folk who say you have to bury it?" I should have known better.

In answer to this question I ended up listening to a tirade. Now, when my wife gets into this mode it is scary. I’ve never been the source of her frustration during such outbursts but never-the-less I have feared for my health and even my life during several of these. This particular diatribe was about my wife’s younger days when the girls at camp didn't properly dispose of their used TP or tampons.

Then something struck me... camping and tampons are two words that just don't belong in the same sentence.

Now, I know that there are plenty of women who are a little less girly and plenty of men who are a little less manly. I count myself among the latter. Still I thought about this for a small space of time and offered this explanation for those young girls whom my wife obviously still carries a grudge against.

A woman belongs in the wilderness no more then a man belongs in the kitchen. Blame it on society, tradition, ignorance or whatever you may but it's true. Now, before you sexism extremists start calling for my head on a platter, allow me to explain.

If one hands a plastic baggy and a spade to a woman while in the wilderness she's likely to ask, "What do you expect me to do with those?" If you were to hand an apron and a ladle to a man while in the kitchen he too is probably going to ask, "What do you expect me to do with those?"

Women don't like touching icky things that are found in the wilderness such as dirt, bugs, feces, and used toiletries. Men don't like touching icky things that are found in the kitchen such as sponges, soaps, mops, and oven cleansers.

When a critter wanders into the campsite you hear a loud scream followed by a woman shouting, “Honey, kill it!" Men are uniquely qualified for putting an end to pesky pests in efficient fashion. When there is hunger you hear a deep grumble and a man cries out, "Honey, feed me!" Women are uniquely qualified for putting and end to mighty hunger in delicious fashion.

Men don't like taking women into the wilderness with them. Women scare away the animals they hunt, whine about accommodations when camping, and require men to carry a lot more stuff (like tampons) that a man wouldn't have in his pack on those long trails.

Women don't like having men in their kitchens. Men put the tie back on when putting bread away, they roll up the wrapper and tuck it under. Men don't stack dishes neatly, they look for a clear place and thus quickly clutter the counters. When all the cups are dirty men don't do a load of dishes, they grab the nearest, cleanest looking cup and give it a quick rinse.

And so you see women are not built for the wilderness and men don't want them there. So also you can see men are not built for the kitchen and women don't want them there.

I'm not saying women should stay out of the wilderness, nor am I saying men should stay out of the kitchen. I am saying, to both genders and my beautiful wife, stop holding grudges when either cannot perform perfectly outside their natural habitats.